You'll get there some day, though you be weary and offensive to the senses. Here she is, her moment with a rock star of epic proportions and, based on what I gathered watching the instant replay, he turns out to be the worst lay of her life. I was always too busy thinking he was funny, which he can be, and smart, which he certainly is. Gene not taking his shirt off is something else I found sad about the video. Anyway, the thought of Gene Simmons having sex is bad enough, but to see it? It just made me feel dirty and nauseous. The second interesting thing is the fact that everyone seems shocked.
But, I would hope the rock star would at least take off his goddamn shirt and pants. And when it fits, boy does it fit. When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes amateur sex tapes as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets! How could Gene Simmons, second only to Wilt Chamberlain in the field of bimbology, betray his longtime girlfriend by sleeping with a blond Austrian supermodel in a hotel room far away while on tour promoting energy drinks? I'm guessing she was worried his massive tongue would somehow reach into her body, then find and crush her still-beating heart. I was always too busy thinking he was funny, which he can be, and smart, which he certainly is. The second interesting thing is the fact that everyone seems shocked. Honestly, it's as if the guy's just so used to banging whatever women are around that he considers it a diplomatic duty. Anyway, the thought of Gene Simmons having sex is bad enough, but to see it? But, if I force myself to think about sex with a rock star, I imagine something good and tawdry. I expect rose petals strewn at my feet wherever I go, including to the kitchen where I will grab a steak knife and gouge out my eyes. As of this week, there is yet another image that will forever scar my psyche — the image of Gene Simmons having sex. He, the God of Thunder, turns out to be more like the Dud of Lovers. So, watching the Gene Simmons sex video made me feel dirty. First of all, I feel bad for the girl in the video. It just made me feel dirty and nauseous. Sleazy fits Gene Simmons like dragon boots with seven-inch heels. Foreigner playing in the background is making sense to me now. Another would be the infamous Budd Dwyer suicide video , in which a disgraced politician blew his brains out in front of a room full of shocked people. You'll get there some day, though you be weary and offensive to the senses. There are really only two notable things about the tape. As for the tape itself, it features the same grainy cinematography we've come to see as the standard in our celeb sex tapes. Frankly, I thank the Lord that for some reason, despite living in a time when cameras the size of a push pin can deliver stunning color and clarity, all the people taping past-their-prime celebrities having sex are apparently doing so on old Hi-8 cameras smeared with Vaseline. Firstly, these clips where Simmons' gal pal, when not slamming her stunningly huge and stunningly fake breasts against one another like someone trying to start a fire, refuses his repeated attempts to kiss her. Or at least start with some cunnilingus. I've watched the Gene Simmons sex tape just so that I can discuss it for the benefit of you heathen monkeys.
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